Breaking up with someone you love can be one of the toughest emotional struggles you’ll go through. How have you handled breakups in the past? What can you do to minimize pain for the other person 'n yourself?
I’ve been on quite an emotional ride recently. What has been weighing heavily on my heart 'n mind involves a slice from my personal life. Without going into details, Adam, my partner for the past year, 'n I have decided to part ways. We will remain good friends.
The past three weeks have been a tremendously painful period, feelings of empathy mixed with remorse 'n guilt. The impulse to burst into tears would hit me sporadically throughout the day.
When I first wrote about the art of keeping a relationship, my friend Pete Forde suggested that perhaps people could also benefit from an article on how to end a relationship. I noted his brilliant suggestion without further thought. Little did I know, this would become the center of my experience a month later.
This being a sensitive topic, I had a tough time finding genuine 'n in-depth resources online. My goal here is to capture the understanding 'n wisdom I’ve gained from going through this event, 'n to perhaps be of help or a point of clarity for your life story.
Feel free to add points that I’ve missed in the comment section. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Why Relationships End n Other Realizations
As painful as a relationship can be as it’s ending, the experience can be a source of profound learning 'n personal growth. I’ve learned as the years goes by, just when you are getting comfortable, life will throw something at you which challenges that comfort. Don’t big life shifts always appear this way?
Instead of looking at these challenges with frustration, treat them as an opportunity for change in the life direction you were meant to lead 'n benefit from. The following are some realizations I’ve learned with regards to relationships 'n the ending of them.
1. The Failure Misconception
Socially, we tend to correlate the ending of a relationship with failure. We even articulate it as such; we say, “I’ve failed in this relationship”. By framing as such, we leave a negative impression in our minds 'n an association with relationships in general.
The ending of a relationship is not a failure, but rather the ending of a life situation in our story. We were meant to experience the relationship for its joyful moments 'n we were meant to learn from its challenges. New life 'n death are all around us. Every inhale we take is a birth 'n each exhale is the death of that breath; 'n life continues.
2. Being Honest to Your Needs
It’s important to clearly understand our needs in a relationship 'n qualities in a mate. Be absolutely honest with yourself 'n don’t compromising the qualities that are essential to you. What typically happens when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we think that they can be changed.
Truth is, we can’t make people change we can only change ourselves. Small things will magnify with time. Be conscious of these small things 'n be honest with yourself. Understand your needs 'n be true to yourself. We only have a set amount of time in this life, make it matter.
3. Fear 'n Guilt
We stay in relationships that we know aren’t necessarily right for us because we are afraid. We fear loneliness, we fear hurting our partner, 'n we fear having to deal with uncomfortable situations. The guilt comes in when we recognize that we are not being honest with ourselves 'n thus being unfair to our partners.
4. ‘Borrowed’ Desires
Sometimes in the presence of someone who is completely focused in getting what they want (ie. Your love), it influences your desires when in their presence. You pick up their strong vibe 'n their desire transfers to you.
In a relationship, if one partner feels significantly stronger than the other, sometimes this strong desire rubs off on the other person. In the presence of the more interested partner, the less interested partner will feel that “This is the right thing for me. This feels right.” When separated from the partner with the strong desire, the less interested partner will feel less intense or indifferent about the relationship.
5. Love 'n Romance Can Be Mutually Exclusive
Sometimes when we have strong connections with people, we instantly relate it to a romantic relationship, 'n end up jumping into one with them. You can love people without being in a romantic relationship. I think we are socially conditioned to believe that love for someone equals romance.
Truth is, the love we feel for others comes from a beautiful place within ourselves, that infinite feeling of love is an expression of our true nature, it has nothing to do with other people. Instead of jumping into romance, we can cultivate a harmonious friendship with that person.
6. Social Pressure
I felt the social pressure when considering my options. But at the end of the day, that pressure comes from my ego out of fear that I would look bad. I have a public image 'n on some level, I was afraid what people might think of me afterwards. That can turn into negative self talk.
Here is an example of such a thought, “What would my friends think? What would my readers think? I am a horrible person.” I got out of this state by gaining clarity 'n recognizing that I needed to be honest with myself.
7. Loss of Friendship
Traditionally, when relationships end, we tend to cut everything off. It’s silly to conclude that after sharing months 'n years with someone, that if one component of the relationship changes, all else must be cut off. Why can’t we continue the other components of the relationship after our hearts are healed? Friendship does not have to be lost.
8. Fantasy Fueled By Desire
We let our minds get caught up in an idea, a vision of how something should be, 'n we end up living in that fantasy instead of reality. We repeatedly play the same videos in our mind, 'n believe that we will be happy when our life situation matches that of the mental videos. The same applies to our idea of relationships. It is easy to let our desires get in the way of reality, 'n we end up living in a fantasy world within our current relationship… until one day, we wake up from that fantasy.
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