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Getting Over a Break Up |
What would you do if your house was burnt to the ground, 'n everything you owned was destroyed? I’m sure you’d be frustrated 'n angry at first, but at the same time, no amount of anger will undo what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is to begin moving on, 'n working towards creating a new home.
Similarly, when a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go 'n allowing the healing process to begin quickly.
If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, 'n you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you 'n the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience).
Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, 'n it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, 'n the reasons will become clear in the future.
2. Release Tension 'n Bundled Up Energy
We all have the need to be understood 'n heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension 'n any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by:
Talking about it with a friend.
Voicing our opinions honestly 'n openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
Punching a pillow 'n crying freely for 10 minutes
Screaming out aloud 'n imagining unwanted energy being released with your voice (seriously, I’ve done a meditation that incorporated this, 'n I instantly felt better).
Writing in a journal (more on this later).
Exercise 'n body movement.
Meditating.
3. Love Yourself
The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness 'n emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life.
I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending every Sunday on my own doing the things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies, to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had its own challenges 'n confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing 'n empowering.
Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving yourself:
Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a date with another person. Put on nice clothes, maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to something delicious, 'n take long walks under the stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving gratitude to what you see. You don’t need words. Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of love to the eyes that you see, 'n feel the feelings of love within you. As you are looking into your eyes, look for something you admire about your eyes – maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes. This will be a little weird 'n uncomfortable at first, but just trust me, 'n continue with it. Do this for a few minutes every day.
Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere comfortable (mix it up, 'n do both on different days), put both hands on your chest 'n say to yourself, “I love you, <insert your name>”. Repeat a few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like about yourself, or things you are good at. Be generous 'n list many, even if they sound silly. Example, “I love that you always know how to make your salads so colorful 'n appetizing.”, “I love that you have the discipline to go to the gym regularly, 'n you really take care of your body.”, “I love that you are so neat, 'n can keep your desk so organized.”
Practice doing things on your own to challenge your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the joy within that experience.
4. Love Your Ex-Partner
Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing forgiveness 'n open up your heart.
Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine 'n I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years 'n went through a divorce that took him 2 years to emotionally recover from. When asked about how he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of wisdom to convey:
“I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break. Adyashanti says something amazing – when people say, ‘My heart feels like it is going to break.’ He says, ‘Let it break. If you let it really break – really, really break, it will transform you.’”
“LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. Let go of every possible belief or thought that says your ex is anything other than the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love them 'n open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! That’s how to get over a break-up, really get over it. Anything short of that is not gonna do it.”
“The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, 'n the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. 'n I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart 'n soul 'n we never have to be together. 'n when I realized that, I felt amazing. 'n still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt 'n anger disappeared. I was free.”
The underlying message of love in Tom’s words is pretty clear 'n powerful.
5. Give it Time
It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I promise the storm will end, 'n the sun will peak through the clouds.
6. Journal Your Experience
Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at your desk or at a café, 'n write your thoughts 'n feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop, writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart 'n flow freely, but if you’re stuck, here are some writing exercises you can do:
Drill into the why – Start with a question or statement, 'n continue to drill into why you feel that way until you have a truthful 'n satisfying reason. The exercise isn’t to issue blame or blow off steam at someone else. It’s meant to gain clarity 'n understanding into how you feel, so you can alleviate unnecessary pain. For example, you might start with the statement, “I am in a lot of pain, ouch!”, 'n your why might be “because she left me”. Now ask yourself, “why does that hurt so much?”, 'n one possible why might be, “because I feel abandoned”. The following why to “why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?”, “because it makes me feel alone”, etc. More than likely, the real reason has something to do with our own insecurities or fears.
Finding the Lessons – What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn from the other person? How is your life better because of it? How will your future relationships be better because of it?
7. Read Something Inspirational
Books that deal with our emotions 'n ego are incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to enlighten our understanding of ourselves 'n our experiences.
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